MAKING a relationship work takes both time and effort and two experts say there’s seven myths to ignore if you want it to thrive.
Husband and wife duo Dr John and Julia Gottman are world renowned for their 50 years of research into marital stability as well as parenting.
The Gottman’s have over 50 years of experience as relationship experts[/caption]
From never going to bed on an argument to how regularly you have sex, the couple, who often apply their findings to their own marriage debunk the most common myths…
1. Eliminating conflict
Dr Julia says it’s a myth that a happy marriage is one without conflict.
“A lot of people think that if you solve all of your fights and conflicts that you have a good marriage – It doesn’t,” she says.
Dr Julia revealed that 69% of the issues couples face in relationships never go away and learning to manage conflicts and understand how each other are feeling is key, instead of avoiding arguments completely.
2. Most marriages are unhappy
According to the data only 35% of marriages are actually happy, but Dr John revealed that he actually thinks that’s wrong – he believes it’s close to 75%.
“I think most people are happily married”, he says.
However, wife Dr Julie disagrees and says she thinks it’s closer to half.
Dr John explains how many of us are scared of entering a relationship for fear that it might end which means some enter one in a negative mindset to protect ourselves.
3. How often you have sex defines whether you have a good relationship
A common misconception is that less sex means a weaker relationship according to the Gottmans.
They say every relationship is different, and everyone has different needs when it comes to sex.
Dr Julie says many women need to feel extremely safe with a partner, and “have an emotional connection with them, in order to feel safe enough to have sex.”
Whilst Dr John says studies have revealed there is no correlation between the amount of sex couples have, and the happiness of their relationship.
“It’s a bit of a mystery, what’s the role of sex, what’s the norm?” he says.
15 Relationship red flags to look out for
Red flags are warning signs that indicate unhealthy or manipulative behaviour. When you encounter relationship red flags, it’s a good time to pause and reflect on the dynamic you really share with that person.
- Overly controlling behaviour
- Lack of trust
- Feeling low self-esteem
- Physical, emotional, or mental abuse
- Substance abuse
- Narcissism
- Anger management issues
- Codependency
- Inability to resolve conflict
- Constant jealousy
- Gaslighting
- Lack of emotional intelligence
- Negatively affecting your relationship with family and friends
- Inability to communicate openly
- Lack of social connection or friends
For more advice and support, Relate is available: “Whether it’s your relationship with a partner, a child, a family member or anyone else – we help everyone to build better relationships.”
4. Date nights have to be expensive
Even the happiest of couples spend little money on date nights.
According the Gottmans, deep and meaningful conversations is what really matters and being honest about feelings.
Dr John says one of his marriage secrets is how he and his wife would sit in a fancy hotel lobby pretending to be guests where they’d sit for hours talking about their feelings.
5. Couples have to be compatible
It seems obvious that in order to have a successful marriage you need to be compatible with one other, sharing the same morals and values.
But Dr Julie says the opposite is true.
“If you have lots of differences, this can actually enrich the relationship”, she says, speaking to Paul Carrick Brunson on his We Need To Talk podcast.
She says that couples who are incompatible often have very different life experiences, so can learn a lot from each other.
“Compatibility, isn’t important at all,” she explains.
Dr John says as long as a couple has a willingness to listen and understand one another then it’s possible to “muddle through life together”.
6. Never go to bed on an argument
It is often said that couples should never go to bed after a heated discussion and stay awake until it’s resolved.
However, the Gottmans believe this is counter productive.
“It’s so dumb”, says Julie. “Don’t try and resolve things late at night, you’re too tired, and you don’t have the brain power.”
Instead, the couple suggest halting the argument and going back to it later when you’re feeling calmer…however long it takes.
7. You can’t come back from cheating
Cheating on a partner is a huge betrayal, and for many it signals the end of a relationship.
However, the Gottmans reckon it is possible to come back from an infidelity but to do this, couples should follow three steps with couple counselling.
First, listen to the betrayed partner’s feelings and give them the opportunity to ask any questions.
The next step is for the cheating partner to express extreme remorse for what they have done, and apologise “a million times.”
The final step is to recommit your loyalty to your partner.
The Gottmans have recently trialled this method with a number of couples, and have had a 75% success rate.
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