DEAR DEIDRE: EVERY time we argue, my husband brings up my affair with a 19-year-old student.
It’s the biggest mistake of my life, and I lost my job over it. But he’s no saint either — he had sex with another woman — and it’s not fair for him to keep throwing this back in my face.
I’m 35 and he’s 39. We’ve been married for ten years and have a young child.
Five years ago, he had a drunken one-night stand. I found out and forgave him, and we agreed to work on our relationship. But I was angry and found it hard to trust him.
When a male student came to me with his personal problems — I was a college lecturer — I grew close to him. I could talk to him in a way I couldn’t to my husband. He was handsome and his interest in me was flattering.
Foolishly, I ended up having sex with him a few times. I quickly put a stop to it.
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But he told his friend and it got back to the college. There was an investigation and I was dismissed.
Of course, I had to tell my husband. I explained it had happened because of his infidelity, and the fact I felt so unloved.
He seemed to understand and to forgive me.
But it’s become clear he bears a grudge.
Because whenever we have a fight, which is increasingly more frequent, he’ll say: “I’m not the one who lost their job because I couldn’t keep my knickers on.”
I’m starting to hate him. I’ve told him he needs to get over it, or I’m leaving.
However, I can’t actually afford to leave. So I feel stuck with this man who is making me miserable and won’t let me move on from my mistake.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You paid a big price for your mistake and feel you were punished enough.
But your husband continues to berate you, years later, revealing he hasn’t got over it.
Perhaps he felt humiliated by the public nature of your betrayal.
Instead of giving him ultimatums, suggest that change, rather than splitting, is what you really want. It would be better if you could work through this together
My support packs, Looking After Your Relationship and Cheating, Can you Get Over It? might help.
Blaming each other isn’t productive. Tell him you want to put this behind you and start again as a couple with a clean slate.
If this isn’t possible, then you might need to discuss splitting amicably, for your child’s sake.
Counselling could help you talk more openly and honestly. See my support pack about this.
