DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though I love my boyfriend to death, I find it impossible to show him affection.
I can kiss him during sex but, afterwards, I go cold and can’t even hug him.
I’m 24 and he’s 25. We’ve been together for a year.
He is a very tactile, affectionate person. He showers me with hugs and kisses every day, but I find myself flinching and, try as I might, can’t do it back.
It’s now starting to become a problem in our relationship as he feels it must mean I don’t really care about him.
But that’s not the case. I want to hug and kiss him, it’s just that something stops me.
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Once, during a row, he called me ‘colder than a corpse’. It really hurt.
I like being held during sex and enjoy passionate, sexual kissing. It’s just day to day touching and kissing that I find difficult.
It feels intrusive, like my space is being invaded.
I don’t know why I’m like this – and always have been in previous relationships too, so it’s not about him.
I have never been abused and my childhood was happy. However, in my family, people didn’t show their love by hugging or kissing.
In fact, I can’t remember ever seeing my parents kiss.
How can I overcome this before it ruins my relationship?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Upbringing has a profound impact on how we behave as adults.
That doesn’t mean you can’t learn to become more affectionate, even if it doesn’t come naturally to you.
Explain to your boyfriend how you feel. Tell him you want to learn to become more affectionate, but it will take time and he needs to respect your space.
Take small steps. Hold his hand, stroke his arm, give him a quick peck on the cheek. Slowly build up to full hugs.
If you’re in control, it will feel less intrusive.
The more you do this, the more comfortable and natural it will become.
