Dear Eric: I am one of four siblings. I live close to but not with my 102-year-old mother while my siblings live far away.
Over the past 12 years, I have gradually taken over a lot of her care, although she generally makes her own decisions and is financially secure. She is dependent on me for cooking, shopping, appointments and company.
My siblings visit three to four times a year and don’t contribute to her care in a consistent way.
After some consideration, our mother has decided that she will be safer and happier in assisted living. She is naturally sad about leaving her home of many years. I support her decision to move because she does need more care and more stimulation.
My siblings, however, are trying to work out ways for her to stay in her own home.
All of the options they have suggested involve a lot of work for my mother and me. She doesn’t want someone to live with her and I don’t want to hire, fire, train and supervise multiple caregivers. Their options assume I will always be here to take care of her.
My siblings are all visiting soon and want to have a discussion about how to keep mom in her own home. I am afraid they will convince her not to move. I need to tell them that unless some or all of them are moving here, she needs to move to assisted living.
I love my mom, and I know my siblings do, too. I don’t think they understand just how much help she needs.
How do I tell them I can’t do this anymore without making my mom feel guilty about how much I do for her?
– Tired Daughter
Dear Daughter: It sounds like your mother made an informed decision, one that wasn’t easy but one that will help her to continue to have a good quality of life and preserve her autonomy.
So, while your siblings’ input may be well-intentioned, what they’re tacitly saying is that neither you nor your mother know what’s best for her. And that’s not true.
Have a conversation with just the siblings before they visit to underscore that your mom is capable of making her own decisions and they should respect that. Also, emphasize to them that you have a perspective that they don’t know what day-to-day help looks like.
Be very firm and clear about the parts of their ideas that aren’t feasible or ask too much of you. There’s no need for debate. Your mom knows what she wants.
Pointing out the gaps in their thinking, without your mom, may help them to understand better without making your mom feel guilty.
If they still insist on a meeting, support your mom in speaking her mind and thinking through the options. You’ve built a relationship with her in which she remains empowered and, presumably, you’re able to honestly express your perspective and opinions. That will really help here.
Dear Eric: A few months ago, I reached out to my sister with concerns about our two brothers. Her response minimized my concerns and focused on her and her issues. I replied to her negative response with my own snappiness.
She sent my brothers screenshots of the things I said about them. They were, understandably, upset with me, but I’ve made amends with both of them.
She hasn’t spoken to me since then. I wrote her a letter asking her to meet with me so we could see how we put this argument behind us. No acknowledgement or response.
She has two teen children whom I’ve kept in touch with; she hasn’t acknowledged milestones in my young adult children’s lives. What can I do to reconnect?
– Snubbed Sister
Dear Sister: It sounds like your sister is more interested in stirring up drama than in forging meaningful connections, so I’m not sure there’s a way for you to force her to change right now.
In the relatively short history of text messaging, sending screenshots of a text conversation to the subject of the conversation has rarely been used as a tool of de-escalation.
It’s notable that she’s also cutting herself off from your kids. So, if we’re keeping score (generally not helpful in families, but perhaps illustrative here), she has stoked conflict with your brothers, ghosted you, and purposefully deprived herself of a relationship with her nieces/nephews. This sounds like someone with a lot of hurt or a lot of pettiness. Or both.
She’s got a grievance that is probably not limited to this exchange. So, your instinct to reconcile is the right one. But she has to make different choices in order for that to happen. If she’s not ready or willing, then you just have to wait and try again down the road.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
