Infidelity is often viewed through an overly simplistic lens: men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional fulfillment.
While it’s true that men are the most opportunistic sex – if you put them in a situation where they think they can get away with cheating, which they often do – women aren’t immune to hot sex and attention either.
Recent research aimed to test the many debated hypotheses about why women cheat and came up with six key motivators.
Some may surprise you.
This week, British sex expert TRACEY COX debunks common myths about infidelity (stock image)
EMOTIONAL NEGLECT
‘I am not seen or heard. I am part of the furniture: something he assumes will always be there. I think he loves me, but it’s an unsatisfactory form of love. Not only do I want to feel loved, I want to be wanted and cherished. I was ready for an affair and I don’t feel guilty because I enjoyed it.’
The most commonly cited reason for infidelity by women is feeling unhappy in the relationship: almost 65 percent of women in the survey (conducted in Britain and Australia) cited this as the reason for straying. Only 31 percent of men cited dissatisfaction as their main motivation for seeking sex outside the relationship.
The second most common motivation for women to cheat is the feeling of emotional abandonment. For this reason, women are four times more likely to cheat, with only five percent of men cheating if they think their partner isn’t ‘interested’ in it.
This is true: men cheat most often when their physical needs aren’t met, women cheat most often when their emotional needs aren’t met. Emotional connection is crucial for us. When we are deprived of that, we look elsewhere for affirmation and affection.
Revenge and retaliation
‘I found a series of text messages that sounded a thousand times like death. I don’t want a divorce because I love my husband and children. That’s why I didn’t confront him. Instead, I loved sleeping with a guy from work. Only I know my secret, but it helps me live with his betrayal.”
I know more than a few women who check this box. A surprising number of women cheat purely in retaliation: they did it because their partner did it to them.
It’s not just about leveling the score: it’s about reclaiming a sense of agency and dignity in a relationship where we feel wronged. It may not be the wisest course of action, but the urge to hurt our partner in the same way we have been hurt is hard to resist.
Again, this is not a common motivator for men. Only three percent said they cheated because their partner did.
TO RECOVER POWER IN THE RELATIONSHIP
‘He earns the most money and decides what we spend it on. Almost all major decisions are made by him: I often feel like I have no rights at all. A little secret spending and sex with an ex of mine reminds me that he can’t control everything about me.’
Feeling powerless or marginalized is not a good feeling and cheating can be a way to regain control.
In relationships characterized by emotional or psychological imbalances, having an affair is a way to regain a sense of control. It is especially common when a partner is overly dominant or controlling. If you’re too afraid to confront them head-on, doing something sneaky behind their back to make yourself feel better is the best thing you can do.
DON’T FEEL SEXUALLY SATISFIED
‘I’ve given up trying to teach my partner how to give me an orgasm. He is so sensitive and overly concerned about any kind of criticism that I don’t have the heart to tell him how far off the mark he is. My affair is purely sexual. I have no problem separating love and sex, and I never have.”
This is the one area where both genders agree: if you’re not getting good, regular sex at home, you’re more likely to get it elsewhere.
Nearly nine percent of women said this was the reason they strayed, while 10 percent of men agreed.
Sex may rank fourth on the list of motivators for women in the study, but we are still prone to temptation when sex with our partner is dull and boring.
Tracey (pictured) says women aren’t immune to hot sex and attention either
WANTING SOMETHING ‘THAT IS JUST FOR ME’
“Is it tattooed somewhere on them at birth that men are allowed to sit back and watch women do all the housework? That we are the ones who remember to send birthday cards, check on elderly parents, keep in touch with friends? My affair is the only thing in my life that is purely for my pleasure, and I don’t have to be a wife, mother, daughter or sister.’
Most women work today. Most women today still do most of the housework and work part-time jobs that keep a household running.
The constant stress of juggling career, motherhood, work and other responsibilities leaves many women feeling unappreciated and overwhelmed. Some go to the spa for some ‘me time’, others head out to meet a loved one to escape the pressure.
“It’s something that’s just for me,” is a statement therapists often hear from women who are forced to justify why they left their marriage.
BORED AND DESIRE EXCITEMENT
‘There is nothing wrong with my relationship, but I have been with the same person for 24 years. We both know everything there is to know about each other. I’m not stupid. I know that’s the nature of a long-term relationship and starting over won’t solve anything because I’ll still end up in this place. Adding a little now and then keeps things lively and makes life more interesting.’
It’s the reason least likely to generate any kind of sympathy, but also the reason most of us will identify with.
Monogamy may provide security and companionship, but people quickly become callous and even in good relationships there are periods when life seems, well, monotonous.
Nearly eight percent of women said they cheated just because they were bored; another five percent said they did it because they wanted something new.
Men also cheat when they’re bored (almost six percent), but they’re twice as likely to cheat because of something new (almost 11 percent).
- Visit traceycox.com for Tracey’s blog, product ranges, podcast details and books.
