THEY say a problem shared is a problem halved – but do you ever feel there are some problems that are so big it can sometimes seem like there’s no solution?
That’s exactly how Lana* felt when she found out she was pregnant after having an affair with her brother-in-law.
Despite having been with her partner for almost a decade, the mum-of-one had several passionate encounters with her partner’s brother which resulted in her youngest son, now one, being born.
And Lana admits that she hasn’t told anyone about the deceit, including her partner or the baby’s dad.
Constantly ‘tortured’ by the past
When she initially called ‘agony uncle’ and YouTube star Dr John Delony to open up about the affair she’d had with her brother-in-law, Lana was coy about revealing the extent of her dilemma.
Laughing nervously. Lana began: “My question is, how you do move on from [the] past, and lots of horrible past things and just change your life and get your marriage back?”
“There’s another complication to the story here… Well, two… It was my brother-in-law.”
Lana
Explaining her relationship background, Lana revealed her seven year marriage had been impacted by emotional abuse from both sides – and they’d both cheated.
On his side, the infidelity started a year or so into their marriage, and on her side, Lana confessed she began cheating three years ago – once online, and another physical relationship.
The couple then sat down two years ago and both came clean to each other about the affairs they’d had.
Lana says: “We shared it all. We asked the big question if we truly wanted to make this work and the only way to move forward was to share it all was our decision.”
Dr Delony asks: “What was the result of that hard conversation?
“Did you know he’d been cheating on you, and he knew you’d been cheating on him, or was it a shock to both of you?
Lana replied they both knew, and John then asks: “So what’s changed in the last two years, or do you find yourself back in the same spot?”
She says: “Uh thankfully not, in the same spot. I feel like I’m constantly tortured by my past… remembering what he’s done, and then what I’ve done, and hating myself for it.”
‘There’s another complication…’
Exploring where his caller is at currently, Dr Delony asks: “Do you have images that pop into your head of him being sexually involved with another woman?
“Do you have moments… when you think of physically think of being with this other guy and it makes you smile, your heart beat faster, and then you feel sick about it?”
Lana agrees, before adding: “There’s another complication to the story here… Well, two.
“It was my brother-in-law.”
“Have you said it out loud? You slept with your sister-in-law’s husband! That happened, you did that – you shouldn’t have done that, can we agree on that?”
Dr John Delony
A shocked Dr Delony replies: “Man, that makes Thanksgiving awkward, huh?”
“Nobody talks about it,” Lana answers, before a surprised Dr Delony asks: “Do they not see the little kid running around?”
Lana says: “They do, but he looks enough like me… I don’t know.
Dr Delony replies: “Oh my gosh, the dysfunction is multi-level.”
Moving forward
Seeking advice, Lana reveals she feels lost, and doesn’t know how to move forward, saying: “Should this be out in the open and then we never go over to his family or see any of them? I don’t know.”
Dr Delony says: “They don’t know? Your sister-in-law doesn’t know it was you, or she just doesn’t tell anyone?
“I’m confident everyone knows and for the sake of your husband and this little baby, everybody is trying to keep the peace.
“Here’s the deal. You said ‘I do’ forever. He violated that. You violated that.
“As a consequence of that violation now you have another child. Another marriage is destroyed.
I’m not going to put that all on you, I’m going to put that on him [too].”
Both parties were unfaithful, but Lana admitted she was plagued with guilt over the past [stock image][/caption]
Small steps to a solution
However, while Lana clearly felt hopeless at the beginning of the call, Dr Delony reassures her that by breaking it down, it can be dealt with and managed.
Dr Delony adds: “All that sounds so complicated and feels like the smoke is so thick – it’s really not.
“One of my favourite things to do in a situation like this is to sit down with somebody when everything feels like it’s on fire and actually unwind it.
“Really what you have before you is a repeated series of small steps that is going to be the next six months, the next one year, the next five years, the next 25 years of your life.
“And that is choosing to do the next right thing.
“That is intentionally having once a week or for right now, maybe twice or three times a week thirty minute check ins with your husband – ‘how are you? How are you feeling?’
“The commitment to him and him to you – there will be no more secrets.
“We’re practicing not having secrets anymore, which means we’re practicing telling the truth which means we’re practicing vulnerability, which means we’re practicing how to be married.
“Have you said it out loud? You slept with your sister-in-law’s husband! That happened, you did that – you shouldn’t have done that, can we agree on that?”
Four red flags your partner is cheating
Private Investigator Aaron Bond from BondRees revealed four warning signs your partner might be cheating.
They start to take their phone everywhere with them
In close relationships, it’s normal to know each other’s passwords and use each other’s phones, if their phone habits change then they may be hiding something.
Aaron says: “If your partner starts changing their passwords, starts taking their phone everywhere with them, even around the house or they become defensive when you ask to use their phone it could be a sign of them not being faithful.”
“You should also look at how they place their phone down when not in use. If they face the phone with the screen facing down, then they could be hiding something.”
They start telling you less about their day
When partners cheat they can start to avoid you, this could be down to them feeling guilty or because it makes it easier for them to lie to you.
“If you feel like your partner has suddenly begun to avoid you and they don’t want to do things with you any more or they stop telling you about their day then this is another red flag.”
“Partners often avoid their spouses or tell them less about their day because cheating can be tough, remembering all of your lies is impossible and it’s an easy way to get caught out,” says Aaron.
Their libido changes
Your partner’s libido can change for a range of reasons so it may not be a sure sign of cheating but it can be a red flag according to Aaron.
Aaron says: “Cheaters often have less sex at home because they are cheating, but on occasions, they may also have more sex at home, this is because they feel guilty and use this increase in sex to hide their cheating. You may also find that your partner will start to introduce new things into your sex life that weren’t there before.”
They become negative towards you
Cheaters know that cheating is wrong and to them, it will feel good, this can cause tension and anxiety within themselves which they will need to justify.
“To get rid of the tension they feel inside they will try to convince themselves that you are the problem and they will become critical of you out of nowhere. Maybe you haven’t walked the dog that day, put the dishes away or read a book to your children before bedtime. A small problem like this can now feel like a big deal and if you experience this your partner could be cheating,” warns Aaron.
‘For gods sake, don’t cheat’
Speaking about the positives Lana can take going forward, Dr Delony goes on to say: “You have an amazing young kid… We’re going to honour this little kid and at the same time we’re not going to shroud this thing in shame.
“Going to family events and pretending like things didn’t happen – that’s the curse of generations.
“It’s the fog that hangs over every get-together. The black smoke that is in the air around ever interaction with family members.
“At some point your husband – it’s his family – at some point he’s got to step up and say ‘hey this happened, this is what we’re doing about it, it’s going to be great’.”
At the end of the call, Dr Delony adds: “For god’s sake – don’t cheat. Period. And especially don’t cheat with family members. No more.
“Thank you for being brave and for your call.”
*Names have been changed.
Lana spoke about how difficult it was not talking about the problem – but not knowing at family gatherings who already knew [stock image][/caption]
