DEAR DEIDRE: A DECADE without sex has turned me into a depressed, angry and resentful person.
My wife stopped wanting penetrative sex when she went through the menopause.
I’m so miserable and know that if we could just make love, all my problems would go away.
I’m 58 and she’s 57. We’ve been married for 20 years.
Our sex life was great until my wife went through “the change”.
Sex became very painful for her, to the point where I wasn’t allowed to touch her at all, and her libido vanished.
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As I love her, and wouldn’t do anything to hurt her, I stopped even asking for intercourse.
She says there’s other ways to have sex, and seems content with kissing and cuddling.
But I’m not. For me, not having penetrative sex feels like a huge loss – I’m being denied something fundamental, a way of expressing myself as a man.
Over the years, my dissatisfaction has grown, now all I think and dream about is having sex.
I still find my wife attractive and sexy. but it’s changed my personality and how I treat her, and I hate myself for it. I snap a lot and am grumpy and sad.
When we finally talked about the issue, my wife said if it was that important to me, I could have sex with someone else.
But I’m not sure she meant it and it’s not what I want. I love her and don’t want to cheat – it’s her I want.
Am I being unreasonable?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: When one partner wants sex and the other doesn’t, it can torpedo even the most loving of relationships.
Many menopausal women do experience a loss of libido and, for some, the loss of oestrogen can make sex painful.
My support packs, Love And The Mature Woman and Painful Sex, will tell you more.
HRT and topical treatments can help. But your wife needs to ask for them and, from what you say, it doesn’t sound like she wants to.
Although she recognises there’s an issue, she doesn’t appear to miss intercourse and says she’d rather you had sex with someone else.
That’s not fair. But it’s also unrealistic of you to suggest that having intercourse would be the solution to all your problems.
If talking is getting you nowhere, relationship counselling could help.
Find some support and advice by contacting Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, tel: 020 7380 1960).
